Recently a friend of mine asked me: “What’s wrong with you? You always have frown face.” My highly sensitive side felt a stab of a knife in my gut. Pushing back my tears, I replied weakly, “I just am not feeling well.” Outward, I shut down all emotions. Inside, I am tearing myself apart.
What I really wanted to do was throw a temper tantrum like a 5-year old, jumping up and down, waving my arms screaming, “WHAT? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA? OF COURSE YOU DON’T! YOU HAVE NORMAL HIPS! ITS THE M^%^$^F%$%#%$# PIECE OF SH** HIP DYPLASIA THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SOMEONE REPEATEDLY HITS ME WITH A BASEBALL BAT TO MY HIPS! I CAN’T SLEEP, I CAN’T WALK, I CAN’T SIT, NO MATTER WHAT I DO I HURT! AND NOW MY PIECE OF SH** HEALTH INSURANCE IS MAKING ME SUFFER ANOTHER 5 WEEKS BECAUSE OF THEIR POLITICS THAT I HAVE TO CANCEL MY SURGERY FOR MARCH 6 FROM UCSF AND RESCHEDULE IT TO APRIL 8 AT STANFORD! THAT IS WHY I HAVE FROWN FACE!!!!!!!”
As you can tell, I am worn out. I try to be positive, I try to be strong, but I just can’t do it anymore. I am the PAO warrior who has taken a serious blow. I never had chronic pain until this past year, and I have a whole new understanding of how draining it is on one’s energy and the ability to relate to other people. I am at fault for expecting anyone to try to understand what I am going through. Its an emotional roller coaster of its steepest highs and its lowest lows. I want to get off this ride. I want my old self back. I always considered myself to have a sunny disposition, but lately storm clouds of thoughts of my pelvis sawed apart, my blood dripping in a bucket, me being dependent on anyone brave enough to see me in such a state is getting me down. I always defined myself by my career interests or as an athlete, now I am defined by hip dysplasia. And I hate it.
I have to laugh as I write this because when I started this blog I wanted to get my PAO surgeries done so I can be active again. Now I want my PAO surgeries so I can get my smile back.