I was awake from 12:30-3:00 last night and I basically formulated this post in my head. Before I begin, I have to say that I can’t believe its been 7 weeks since my last blog post! I have been busy healing, rehabbing the hip, ditching the crutches for good, learning to walk again and working full-time. I even took my road bike out of storage and in to the bike shop for a full tune up! Life has been full on all fronts: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
This past week, I feel like my emotional and spiritual self have been raked over the coals. Physically, at 18 weeks post-op, my hip feels rock solid but I am getting over a nasty summer cold. This coincides with turbulence of old wounds being opened (Robin Williams passing on has triggered the memories of my step father’s suicide and reminded me of the issues with my mother and her clinical depression and addiction to pain killers). In the eye of the storm, however, is clarity.
While I have been forced to slow down for the past few days so that I can kick this cold, I have gained clarity on some things that have been bothering me for some time since my PAO surgery. Mainly, this is the realization of who in my life has stepped up and showed up – physically and emotionally – and those who decided to check out. It is painful to think some of the people who are nearest and dearest in my heart are just simply not capable. I spend many a night awake thinking about if I was a better friend or daughter that I would be a priority in their lives.
Then, last night, I realized: why is this my fault? I cannot rationalize other people’s behavior. I can ruminate all night long, every night, but I will drive myself crazy. Everyone has their personal demons that they are dealing with, and it has nothing to do with who I am as a person. Everyone is on their own journey, for them to learn their life lessons either the hard way (repeating mistakes) or the easy way (reflecting on actions and consequences and the lessons behind them). And that is where compassion comes in to play and, hence, the clarity. While I cannot change the people I love, I can support them by sending them love and light, and letting go of the pain and hurt they have caused me.
I read this post this morning on Facebook and it was a dead ringer:
“Truth in word and deed is what is required of you. As well as resonating with your personal truth, it’s important now to also demand the same from others. Truth is freedom.”
“Belief and trust in a Higher Power is about having faith that the outcome will be what it should be, no matter what it is. It is timely for you to place your trust in the Divine, in your angels, and in the knowledge that there is a Divine plan.”
-Divine Flyte with Marika via Facebook, 8/12/14