In a car, have you ever hit a speed bump by surprise? It jostles you, you instantly slow down and wonder, “Where did that come from? Why didn’t I see it coming?”
I hit a mental and emotional speed bump yesterday. It was a big one. In between holidays, yesterday was my day to catch up on a few things by running a bunch of errands. My thoughtful sister gave me some post-surgery clothes for Christmas: a long black skirt of soft cotton, pajama bottoms with a fun tribal print that are tempting to wear out to lunch, soft fuzzy socks, and yoga pants. All worked except for the yoga pants: they were too tight and I hear tight clothes can irritate the incision area. I add “Target: exchange” to my to do list.
I successfully exchange the yoga pants for a credit, and I happily walk to the workout/PJ section. I start looking at PJ sets, soft fleece! Yes! Darn only in medium. I need a large. Cotton knit or flannel? Long nightgown instead? All of a sudden I hit my speed bump. I can’t bring myself to buy clothes for my PAO recovery. My eyes start to well up in tears. AGAIN.
“Stop crying Jen!” I say to myself. “With all the crying lately and your red swollen eyes people will think you are a stoner!”
And while I am trying not to lose it in the middle of Target, it hits me: I am absolutely terrified of this surgery. My pelvis will be sawed apart, reset and screwed back together. No wonder why when I tell people about my surgery, 95% of the time they look at me with that “I have gas” look: you know the one, half smiling but grimacing but smiling politely while their eyes dart around like “get me out of here!”
I walk out of Target with a new hairbrush and cotton-balls, limping back to my car.
While I am normally very positive (or at least convince myself to be) accepting my fear about this surgery is the only way I can process it and move through it. I am 10-weeks out, plenty of time to process and move through this emotional roller coaster.
Tomorrow is a New Year, and while it poses many challenges, I have no choice but to move forward, speed bumps and all.